For f*cks sake…

The first year AD was 1 AD. (NOT 0 AD, no such bloody thing as zero AD!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The first decade therefore started on January 1, 1 AD and ended on December 31, 10 AD. (A decade is not over until the end of its 10th year. Count on your fingers if you don’t believe me!)

The second decade therefore started on January 1, 11 AD and ended on December 31, 20 AD.

The third decade therefore started on January 1, 21 AD and ended on December 31, 30 AD.

Notice the pattern? Decades start on January 1 of years ending in ‘1′, and end on December 31 of years ending in ‘0′.

Similarly, centuries start on January 1 of years ending in ‘01′, and end on December 31 of years ending in ‘00′.

Finally, millennia start on January 1 of years ending in ‘001′, and end on December 31 of years ending in ‘000′.

I log onto the Suncorp online banking and the helpful “An error has occurred” message appears. I try again over an hour or so, but the same detailed and meaningful message appears.

Grumpy Whinge 1:  Why waste people’s time logging on before saying NO? How about a message on the logon screen, or a splash page to TELL PEOPLE, or a meaningful error message? Too hard apparently…

OK no real problem (or so I thought), I’ll call their (usually) helpful phone assistance.

I mention Internet Banking is down and ask for a simple transfer.  I’m told that a transfer can be done, but it’s not an immediate one. I ask what that means and am told the transfer doesn’t happen straight away, and the funds will be there tomorrow.  Quickly glancing at the calendar and seeing 2009 not 1909, I ask why it can’t happen straight away. Am told that’s the way it is, and am offered Telephone Banking assistance, which I decline, thank the person for not very much and hang up.

Grumpy Whinge 2: It’s nearly 2010 and I have to wait a day for a transfer from one of my Suncorp accounts to another of my Suncorp accounts?  Ironically, whilst waiting to be answered I heard a glowing piece of phone spam telling me how wonderful Suncorp is, and another telling me about the joys of a particular Suncorp account type. The same account type I am so desperately trying to transfer some money from and to, but being bludgeoned by Suncorp idiocy at each attempt.

Then I try Internet banking repeatedly, connections are opened, but nothing loads.

I wait 10 minutes and try again.  Log on screen appears, and I log on (or so i thought). 10 minutes later nothing has appeared, so I close the window and try again.  Am now told that I’m already logged on, and have to wait 15 minutes before trying again.  I close the window, and mutter several appropriate adjectival expletives followed by the word “Suncorp”.

Then in desperation I try Telephone Banking and am asked for a Telephone Access Code.  WHAT !@#$%^& TELEPHONE ACCESS CODE???????????????????????? I scream…

Grumpy Whinge 3:  Why suggest Telephone Banking as an option, when it needs an unknown or long forgotten Telephone Access Code to use.

Now I’m totally pissed off at their bullshit, so I drive to a Suncorp ATM to pull out some cash for shopping.

Nope, the account I want to transfer from is not listed.

Grumpy Whinge 4:  What’s the point of setting up an account, and not giving my card access to it???

I manage to transfer a few dollars from another account, and go shopping but being hamstrung by Suncorp’s iron grip on most of my money, I buy only the things on my shopping list that I really need.

An hour later, and Internet banking is now (some 4 hours after this nightmare started) allowing log ons again, but am still greeted with the exceedingly helpful “An error has occurred” message.  But thank God, I’m assured by the log on screen telling me that some Suncorp customers are having trouble logging on (no shit!), and to try again later.

You’re hopeless Suncorp, seriously hopeless!

One of the worst is Bigpond’s inability to attribute Internet usage to the correct day, and their reluctance to do anything to fix the problem.

Plenty tell their woes on the popular Whirlpool forums of evening usage on the last day of their billing cycle rolling over to the next day, so starting the new billing cycle with a hole in their quota. Here’s some examples…

http://forums.whirlpool.net.au/forum-replies.cfm?t=1177052&p=51#r1011

http://forums.whirlpool.net.au/forum-replies.cfm?t=1177052&p=51#r1012

http://forums.whirlpool.net.au/forum-replies.cfm?t=1177052&p=52#r1038

Even Bigpond Technical Support have no clues, some CSR’s advising the only way to avoid rollover is to not connect after 4 pm on the last day of the billing cycle.  I have no doubt that the advice will prevent rollover, but why can other much smaller ISP’s update usage in nearly real-time, but Australia’s biggest ISP struggles to do it within an 8 hour time frame?

It seems their brain-dead Usage Update process (incorrectly) attributes usage to the day that the process runs, not (correctly) to the day on which the usage happened.

I sent a lengthy complaint to the Telstra CEO’s Office. Received a boilerplate reply, but more importantly it has a reference number and the name & title of the person who responded. He tells me to call Bigpond support when it happens and get them to apply a credit. My “Get out of Jail Free” card…

Be easier to just fix it, it’s not rocket science…

I grab the EFTPOS gizmo and swipe my card, and then the checkout person says “Swipe your card”.

I press “Savings” to select the account, and then hear “Select your account”.

I’m half way through entering my PIN, when I hear “Enter your PIN and…”.

I finish entering the PIN and press Enter, then hear “…and press Enter”.

I then point out that prompting after I do something is at the very least pointless, and at worst annoying.

I guess they’re programmed to do that, but a little independent thought would be welcome.

And if you answered 1st of July 2009, then you’re also correct… maybe…

The correct answer is… it depends where you live.

If you’re in the US then 1/7/09 is the 7th of January, but if you’re in most of the rest of the world, then it’s the 1st of July.

Why can’t web page developers understand that this date format is ambiguous, in other words it can mean different things, and can actually turn visitors away from coming back!  Let me give you an example of what I mean…

I visit a site that says “Last updated 1/7/09″.  Because I’m in Australia and this date means 1st of July, that tells me that the site has been recently updated and is worthy of visiting again.

However, if I’m from the US, that date means 7th of January, and I think to myself that the site hasn’t been updated for 6 months and won’t bother returning.

WEB PAGE DEVELOPERS TAKE NOTE…

Not every person on the planet uses the US month/day/year or the other day/month/year date formats!!

You MUST use unambiguous date formats!!

If you mean 1st of July then use “1st of July” or “July 1″ or “1 July”!

But oh boy, is it buggy!!!  I’ve had one for the whole year and a half it’s been out, and the thing never ceases to amaze me with its endless problems.

Ignore the remote - It’s a real pleasure when you’re rewinding or fast forwarding a recording, for it to ignore the Play button, and by the time it catches up, you’re way behind or ahead of where you wanted it to play from.  I’ve held a remote button down continuously for nearly a minute without a response.  And yes, the whole time the little remote acknowledgement light on the front panel is flashing away, but nobody’s seemingly at home.

Workaround: Reboot the MyCrap.

Excessive recording length - Another occasional “feature” is its adding part or all of the preceding program to a recording.  A half-hour recording can easily turn into an hour or more, and manually finding the start of the wanted part is such a joy.

Workaround: Only happens if your TV is showing the same channel when the recording starts.  Told to me by an Austar level 2 tech.  Of course, this helpful hint is nowhere to be found on the Austar site, nor do the level 1 drones know about it, and nor does Austar want to fix it despite it being a long standing and much complained about problem.

Lose the first 2 minutes - Unless each program is set to start recording 5 minutes early, the first 2 minutes will be missed, because the MyCrap and the TV Guide seem to be out of synch by that much.

TV Guide and Planner not allowed - Sometimes when pressing the Planner or TV Guide buttons, the normal blue screen appears, and then quickly you’re returned to the channel you were watching.  It’s Microsoftesque, telling you don’t really want to do that, and does something else instead.

Workaround: Reboot the MyCrap.

By gum I’m stuck - The Planner(when it lets you remain there) sometimes will not let you exit. Press the “Austar TV” button, no effect. Press the “TV Guide” button, no effect.

Workaround: Reboot the MyCrap.

Selective memory loss - After a power loss it shows the TV channel you were previously watching, a nice feature.  Pity that Austar Music always starts off at the first channel, regardless of which channel you were listening to before.  After a power loss, even the old decoder box could remember the Music channel you were listening to.

Black is beautiful - Start playing the recording, black screen.  Fast forward, nothing. The stupid POS has decided that I didn’t want that recording, but I did want to waste the disk space.

Series Linking - what a mess this “feature” is…

Now you see it, now you don’t - Future recordings brought in by Series Linking into the Booked tab of the Planner can just disappear overnight.  The stupid piece of !@#$ somehow thinks that if you delete all recorded episodes of a program that is series linked, then all future entries in the Booked tab should also disappear.

Workaround: Keep at least one recorded episode of each series linked program. Again of course, this helpful hint is nowhere to be found on the Austar site, nor do the level 1 drones know about it, and nor does Austar want to fix it despite it being a long standing and much complained about problem.

Series link all some - Sometimes it’ll only bring in only some of the episodes.  The Bill on UK TV is a classic for this, it’ll bring in Tuesday’s and Thursday’s episodes, but Monday’s, Wednesday’s, and Friday’s need to be manually added. (27/6/09 - Seems to be fixed now.  31/7/09 - I spoke too soon, this bug’s back again, bloody idiots!)

Workaround: UKTV is hopeless. They’ve assigned multiple “show codes” to the same show, one for Monday’s, Wednesday’s and Friday’s episodes, another for Tuesday’s and Thursday’s.  So you need to retain multiple recorded copies of some shows.

You too can get this frustrating crappy hardware for only $14.95 a month.  A bargain… though there must be cheaper ways to raise your heart rate and blood pressure and make you want to strangle someone!

Most consumers are covered by State laws against being forced to pay for a product or service that is not “Fit for Purpose”. In other words, if it doesn’t do what it’s supposed to, then the consumer does not have to pay for it. And rightly so, are you listening Austar!!! FIX IT OR REFUND MY $14.95!!!

I see Austar has now made a significant profit, presumably from selling the shonky MyStar POS to a bunch of gullible masochists.

And finally, last but not least…

Endless distracting @#& advertising

Q: What’s the difference between free-to-air TV and Austar?

A: With Austar you pay for the ad-festival.

I’d rather pay a little more each month to see programs in their entirety than the current ad infected nonsense.  No wonder Channels BT and eMule are so popular!

If I see another !@#$% Real (Annoying) Insurance ad I’ll scream! Do these morons really think that carpet bombing viewers with their fake sincerity drivel hosted by TV has-beens  is going to do anything other than make people loathe them? I wonder if they sell insurance against being driven mad by their shitty ads?

No! It isn’t! And this is one of the most common abuse of basic Mathematics.

Just because 60 divided by 20 is three, doesn’t make it three times more than 20.

Let’s see why…

Firstly, 60 - 20 = 20, so 60 is 40 more than 20.

Secondly, 40 = two times 20.

Therefore, 60 = (two times 20) more than 20, or in better English, 60 is two times more than 20.

I have a Mathematics degree, and it pisses me off to see such ignorance of what is just basic Mathematics.  And it especially gets up my nose when I go to the trouble of explaining in detail to the people who write this nonsense online, and they couldn’t care less.

It seems that if there are two or more words that sound the same, then it’s now mandatory to use the wrong spelling.

OK, let’s try and educate a few people…

“there” - as in “The cats are over there” or “There are some cats drinking milk”

“their” - means ‘belonging to them’, as in “Their cats are over there”

“they’re” - contraction of  “they are”, as in “Their cats are over there, and they’re drinking milk”

Simple, really…

According to the packet blurb, these were superior because they would shave cleanly whereas the ‘old’ 2-bladed ones would leave stubble behind.

Of course, that was the same marketing used when 2-bladed shavers came out, they would shave cleanly and the ‘old’ single-bladed shavers wouldn’t.

Funny how when these 3-bladed ones were invented, the 2-bladed ones suddenly stopped shaving perfectly and started leaving stubble. 

Truth in advertising?  Not here…