It’s shopping day, so I needed to transfer some money from one Suncorp account to another. Sounds easy? Nope…

I log onto the Suncorp online banking and the helpful “An error has occurred” message appears. I try again over an hour or so, but the same detailed and meaningful message appears.

Grumpy Whinge 1:  Why waste people’s time logging on before saying NO? How about a message on the logon screen, or a splash page to TELL PEOPLE, or a meaningful error message? Too hard apparently…

OK no real problem (or so I thought), I’ll call their (usually) helpful phone assistance.

I mention Internet Banking is down and ask for a simple transfer.  I’m told that a transfer can be done, but it’s not an immediate one. I ask what that means and am told the transfer doesn’t happen straight away, and the funds will be there tomorrow.  Quickly glancing at the calendar and seeing 2009 not 1909, I ask why it can’t happen straight away. Am told that’s the way it is, and am offered Telephone Banking assistance, which I decline, thank the person for not very much and hang up.

Grumpy Whinge 2: It’s nearly 2010 and I have to wait a day for a transfer from one of my Suncorp accounts to another of my Suncorp accounts?  Ironically, whilst waiting to be answered I heard a glowing piece of phone spam telling me how wonderful Suncorp is, and another telling me about the joys of a particular Suncorp account type. The same account type I am so desperately trying to transfer some money from and to, but being bludgeoned by Suncorp idiocy at each attempt.

Then I try Internet banking repeatedly, connections are opened, but nothing loads.

I wait 10 minutes and try again.  Log on screen appears, and I log on (or so i thought). 10 minutes later nothing has appeared, so I close the window and try again.  Am now told that I’m already logged on, and have to wait 15 minutes before trying again.  I close the window, and mutter several appropriate adjectival expletives followed by the word “Suncorp”.

Then in desperation I try Telephone Banking and am asked for a Telephone Access Code.  WHAT !@#$%^& TELEPHONE ACCESS CODE???????????????????????? I scream…

Grumpy Whinge 3:  Why suggest Telephone Banking as an option, when it needs an unknown or long forgotten Telephone Access Code to use.

Now I’m totally pissed off at their bullshit, so I drive to a Suncorp ATM to pull out some cash for shopping.

Nope, the account I want to transfer from is not listed.

Grumpy Whinge 4:  What’s the point of setting up an account, and not giving my card access to it???

I manage to transfer a few dollars from another account, and go shopping but being hamstrung by Suncorp’s iron grip on most of my money, I buy only the things on my shopping list that I really need.

An hour later, and Internet banking is now (some 4 hours after this nightmare started) allowing log ons again, but am still greeted with the exceedingly helpful “An error has occurred” message.  But thank God, I’m assured by the log on screen telling me that some Suncorp customers are having trouble logging on (no shit!), and to try again later.

You’re hopeless Suncorp, seriously hopeless!